The Art of Being Alone Without Being Lonely

“ I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.”- Jesus Christ (John 14:18 NKJV)

Loneliness…it can drive us to do desperate things.  It can lead us to compromise who we really are and what we really believe for the sake of companionship.

For many, it is the nagging companion that you leave behind when you leave home, only to find it lying on the couch in exact same spot when you return.  For others it is the berating bully that you can’t escape.  It follows you incessantly and makes you feel like an abandoned island, even when you’re in the midst of a crowd.

Whatever the persona loneliness takes on, there’s something uneasy about being alone.  Being alone is inevitable.  Being alone is a universal.  But being lonely is not.  Some people long to be alone and even thrive when there alone.  Others avoid it at all costs.

So what is the difference between being alone and being lonely?  Is it possible to move from the fear of being alone to embracing, and even enjoying solitude?

Recently I started feeling lonely.  I am not single, I am not socially isolated, and I am not a selfish person (most of the time).  And yet I began to feel a nagging sense of isolation.  Although I am surrounded by loving people who frequently offer encouragement, I wasn’t being comforted.  I was growing more and more introspective and critical of those who genuinely care about me as the feeling of loneliness grew.  Loneliness, you see, isn’t necessarily a due to a lack of proximity to people.  It can be experienced regardless of the support system we have in place.

Generally, I embrace being alone without feeling lonely.  Much of what I do requires spending time alone.  As a pastor, I have extensive times of prayer, Bible study, reading and writing in the privacy of my home or office.  There are times, however, that the nature of my job requires that I carry the cares of those around me alone.  Confidentiality necessitates that I do not divulge certain information, even with those who are closest to me.

This was the case most recently as several people within my congregation confided in me as they went through difficult situations.  I was hurting for, and with, them but I could not express the depth of what I was experiencing with others.  While working in the yard one day I began to share my sadness with God.  Feeling heavy-hearted and alone, I complained that no one understood how I felt; not my wife, elders, staff or closest friends.  I felt trapped by the reality that I had to bear these burdens alone.

At least that’s how I felt.

That’s when God’s voice so clearly and deeply penetrated my heart with this one simple truth:

“I know how you feel.”

Immediately my complaining ceased and tears began to fill my eyes.  I had forgotten Him!  Those simple words Jesus spoke flooded my mind:

“I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)

I had not realized that the solitude I was experiencing was an opportunity for spiritual growth and communion with the One who sees and knows all things (Psalm 33:13-15).  God wanted to use the very thing that had made me feel isolated to be the source of my intimacy with Him!

I began to think about Jesus’ life and ministry.  How he must have seen the hurt, pain, and consequences of sin so much deeper than I have ever seen.  How he grieved for the people he could not help (because of their unbelief).  And how no one but the Father completely understood Him, or who He was, or how He felt during His earthly life.  Yet His seclusion became the means for our inclusion into fellowship with God!  He knew the depth of loneliness that sin creates when He became sin for us and cried out on the cross “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46)

His goal in being forsaken for us was that we would never again know what it is to be separated from Him!

I repented.  I knew that I had not been thinking rightly about my life or about God.  I hadn’t perceived Jesus to be Immanuel, or “God with us,” in my aloneness.  I began to share with Jesus how I was feeling and about the situations on my heart.  As I spoke, although I was still working alone in the yard, I began to feel very comforted.  God was with me!  I began to experience the presence of the Holy Spirit who Jesus sent to be my constant companion and helper.

God changed my thinking that day.  I guess in some way I grew up.  Like a child who is always looking forward to their future independence as a teenager, or a teenager who can’t wait to leave the home and become an adult, being alone is part of what it takes to become mature.  I have begun to appreciate these times as opportunities to experience God’s personal presence and work in my life.

That day, instead of seeing myself as Elijah on the mountain saying “I alone am left,” I saw myself as one of Jesus’ closest disciples invited up to the mountain of transfiguration to get a greater glimpse of His glory.  Now, when I don’t feel understood, or like anyone around me can comprehend me or my situation, I’m reminded to see it as an opportunity to communicate more openly and deeply with my Lord!  Jesus always knows, always understands, and always comforts me in every trial or circumstance. And because of Him, I am never really alone!

Such as I have I give,

In Jesus’ name